Retirement

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Where to live after Retirement

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You 've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get thererather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Minnesota or Maine where..
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C ' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

And They Ask Why I Like

Retirement !

Question: How many days in

a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1

Sunday

 

Question: When is a retiree's

bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he

falls asleep on the couch.

 

Question: How many retirees

to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might

take all day.

 

Question: What's the biggest

gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough

time to get everything done.

 

Question: Why don't retirees

mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with

a 10% discount.

 

Question: Among retirees

what is considered formal

attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Question: Why do retirees

count pennies?

Answer: They are the only

ones who have the time.

 

Question: What is the

common term for someone

who enjoys work and refuses

to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

 

Question: Why are retirees so

slow to clean out the

basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as

soon as they do, one of their

adult kids will want to store

stuff there.

 

Question: What do retirees

call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

 

Question: What is the best

way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending

Coffee Break.

 

Question: What's the biggest

advantage of going back to

school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no

one calls your parents.

 

Question: Why does a retiree

often say he doesn't miss

work, but misses the people

he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell

the whole truth.

 

And, my very

favorite.............

QUESTION: What do you do

all week?

Answer: Monday through

Friday, NOTHING.......Saturday

& Sunday, I rest.

 

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to

the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your

husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me"

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is

it?

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And whatdo you think is the best thing about being 104?" the

reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

 

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your

own Easter eggs.

 

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip

replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and

diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a

jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me

dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with

dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and

feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all

my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got

my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start

exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I

bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired

for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class

was over.

 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her

preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be

cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over

Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why

Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice

a week"

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my

memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat til l the wrinkles

fill out

.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your

coffee maker.

 

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

"For fast relief."

 

--- THE SENILITY PR AYER : Grant me the senility to

forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to

run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the

difference.

 

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop

laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Music: Eleanor Rigby