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Some great jokes and stories!  This page changes periodically.
 
Last Edited:  January 20, 2011

Some of the wit and humor of Mr. Bob Hope

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ON TURNING 70
 'You still chase women, but only downhill'.
 
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
 
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
 
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old.  In fact  I don't feel anything until 
noon
.  Then  it's time for my nap.'
 
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring.  The referee kept stepping on them.'
  
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'

 ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession.  Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

 ON PRESIDENTS
' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
 
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed.  When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'
 
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
 
ON GOING TO HEAVEN 
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

 
 

Childbirth at 65

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K..?!!'

 

 

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman
: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer
: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman
: Oh, I see.
Officer
: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman
: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer
: Don't have one?
Older Woman
: Lost it, 4 years ago for

drunk driving.

Officer
: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman
: I can't do that.
Officer
: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer
: Stole it?
Older Woman
: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer
: You what?

Older Woman
: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2
: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman
: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2
: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman
: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2
: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk..

Officer 2
: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman
: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2
: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2
: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman
: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

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     The Lone Ranger & Tonto

 

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. 
 
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? " 
 
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." 
 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto. 
 
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it 
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. 
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." 

 
What's it tell you, Tonto? 

 

"It tell me you dumber than buffalo  poop … someone stole the tent.”  

 
 
Mexican Jews
 
One day two jewish men decided to visit Mexico, a place they had always wanted to see.  They traveled all day and checked into a nice hotel with a nice dining room.  They went to dinner and looked over the menu when one said, " This is really quite nice isn't it?"   "Yes it is", replied his friend.
" I wonder how many jews live here...I will ask the waiter when he comes over."  Soon the waiter came over, took their order and one of the men asked, " Say, do you have Mexican Jews here?"  The waiter thought a moment and said " No senoir, we no have Mexican jews here."  The man seemed quite shocked.  " That's hard to beleive," the man said to his friend.
"Jews are everywhere, no matter where you go.  I am going to ask again."
So when the waiter came back, he asked again, "Are you sure there are no Mexican Jews?"  The waiter looked at him and said, " I don't think so but I will ask someone else to be sure."
In a few minutes, the waiter returned.  " No, I am sorry senior.  We have tomato jews, orange jews and grape jews but no body ever heard of Mexican jews."

An Atheist in the Woods.....

An atheist was walking through the woods. 
"What majestic trees!" 
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He  turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge
toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again & the bear was even closer. He tripped
& fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the
bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw &
raising his right paw to strike him.  
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" 

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty.
 Amen."

A Bunny Tale
 
My good friend Ernest lives on a farm in Tennessee.  Ernest is married but keeps to himself, doesn't mingle much and has an old hound dog named Jake.  Now Jake is old, true enough, but Ernest let's old Jake have the run of the farm. Next door to Ernest, on the adjacent farm, lives a man with his wife and three little children. Ernest never see's much of the neighbors except on the first Sunday of the month when they all got together for a friendly cook-out. Ernest and his wife would go to the neighbors farm and sit and talk and eat pig and watch the children play with their very large and quite old rabbit. Ernest suspected that old rabbit was as old as his old hound Jake.  The children loved that old rabbit.  They carried him all over the place.  Ernest used to see them pulling it in their wagon, riding it on their pony and sitting with it on the front porch late in the evening.
They dearly loved that old rabbit!
 
As you can image, when Ernest came home from work one day and found old Jake dragging that old rabbit through the weeds and dirt towards the porch, Ernest let out a blood curdling scream!  "Oh my God Jake...what have you done?  Oh my God...those kids are never going to get over this!  Oh Jake...oh Jake...!"
 
Well, after a few minutes Ernest composed himself and took the old rabbit from Jake's jaw.  After thinking for a few minutes, he took the old rabbit into the house and began cleaning all the dirt off it.  He dried it with a hair dryer and used a hair brush to smooth out the matted fur.  When the sun went down and it was dark, he sneaked over to the neighbors farm and opened up the rabbits cage door and placed the old rabbit back inside, carefully closing the door and latching it.  He ran home as quickly as he could.  "Well Jake, I got him back into the cage.  The kids will think he just died.  It will be sad, but not as sad as if they knew you killed it!"
Jake cocked his head, whined okay and that was that!
 
It was about three days later when Ernest saw his neighbor outside again.  " Hey neighbor, how's it going?" he shouted.  The neighbor walked to where Ernest was. "Oh it's going okay I suppose.  I am still just very upset about our old rabbit.  The kids are beside themeslves."
"Why, what happened to your rabbit?" Ernest asked.  "I'm afraid the old guy died of old age.  He's been with us a long time you know.  Yeah, he died last week-end and me and the wife and kids had a nice furneral for him out back of the barn.  The kids all said a little something and we buried him....but that wasn't the saddest part. The kids were devastated a few days later." 
"Really?  What could be worse than than having to bury something you loved so much?" Ernest asked cursiouly. " Well, the worse part was that somebody dug him up and put him back in his cage ......."
 

Music: Honky Tonk