Are you this old yet?
An elderly gentleman...
serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to a doctor who fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him
now to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month for a re-check. The doctor said, "Your hearing
is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man asked,
"What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally asked, "What is the name of that flower
you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the
one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, one day a student nurse
found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't
need any help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in
the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don't you think you should write it down so
you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to
write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
toddles off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
I know her?"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't
cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So
am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand
dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?"
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor saw Morris again, by himself this time,
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said,
Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "Morris, I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully,
up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied,