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ONLY
IN America:
Only in America ..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front!
Only in America ..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke!
Only in America..do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!
Only in America ..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless
junk in the garage!
Only in America...do
we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: pole's
in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'!
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why
women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you never see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why
lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why
the man who invest! s all y our money is called a "broker"?
Why the time of day
with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat
food?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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THE
GRIPE SHEET
This information about Qantas Airlines comes from an old
friend:
After every
flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing
on the lower half of the form about what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next
flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas
is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P
= The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P:
Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S:
Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S:
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction
locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S:
IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft
handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S:
Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise
coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away
from midget 
BELIEVE it or not ,
These
are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I
heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an
address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller :
Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse
me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when
I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else
taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:
I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This
is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just
said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:
Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:
No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.
I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:
I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an
asthmatic?
Caller: N o
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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