And They Ask Why
I Like
Retirement !
Question: How many
days in
a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays,
1
Sunday
Question: When is
a retiree's
bedtime?
Answer: Three hours
after he
falls asleep on the
couch.
Question: How many
retirees
to change a light
bulb?
Answer: Only one,
but it might
take all day.
Question: What's
the biggest
gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is
not enough
time to get everything
done.
Question: Why don't
retirees
mind being called
Seniors?
Answer: The term
comes with
a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees
what is considered
formal
attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do
retirees
count pennies?
Answer: They are
the only
ones who have the
time.
Question: What is
the
common term for someone
who enjoys work and
refuses
to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are
retirees so
slow to clean out
the
basement, attic or
garage?
Answer: They know
that as
soon as they do,
one of their
adult kids will want
to store
stuff there.
Question: What do
retirees
call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is
the best
way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never
ending
Coffee Break.
Question: What's
the biggest
advantage of going
back to
school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut
classes, no
one calls your parents.
Question: Why does
a retiree
often say he doesn't
miss
work, but misses
the people
he used to work with?
Answer: He is too
polite to tell
the whole truth.
And, my very
favorite.............
QUESTION: What do
you do
all week?
Answer: Monday through
Friday, NOTHING.......Saturday
& Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
Just before the funeral
services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?" "98," she
replied. "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the
undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly
worth going home, is
it?
Reporters interviewing
a 104-year-old woman: "And whatdo you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.
She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."
The nice thing about
being senile is you can hide your
own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten
old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new
knees, fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, take
40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body
has gotten totally out of shape, so I got
my doctor's permission
to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided
to take an aerobics class for seniors. I
bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
An elderly woman
decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had
two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over
Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why
Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure
my daughters visit me twice
a week"
My memory's not as
sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp
as it used to be.
Know how to prevent
sagging? Just eat til l the wrinkles
fill out
.
It's scary when you
start making the same noises as your
coffee maker.
These days about
half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
--- THE SENILITY
PR AYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to
run into the ones
I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing
because you grow old,
You grow old because
you stop
laughing.